habeas_corpusOur contract lawyer (See last years best wishes from out contract lawyer) has had to step in to help resolve an issue in relation to a number of unsolicited gifts,  some of which involve livestock including a partridge in a pear tree and two turtle doves. Also If initial reports are to be believed, an element of human trafficking (8 maids a milking  and 9 pipers playing to mention but a few.)

Records from within the activity audit available from Collabor8online, have been of assistance in the resolution of this particular contractual dispute.





Dearest Bob,

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised. With deepest love and devotion,


Dearest Bob, 

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnita

Dearest Bob,

Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you’ve been too kind.

Love, Agnita

Dear Bob, 

Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don’t you think enough is enough. You’re being too romantic.

Affectionately, Agnita

Dearest Bob,

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings; one for every finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Agnita


Dear Bob,

When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my front steps. So, you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbours are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially, Agnita 


What’s with you and those fe**king birds? 7 swans a-swimming. What kind of God damned joke is this? There’s bird sh*t all over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I can’t sleep at night and I’m a nervous wreck. It’s not funny. So stop with the birds ok!

Sincerely, Agnita

O.K. Smart Ar*e, 

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a-milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring their God damned cows. There is sh*t all over the lawn and I can’t move in my own house.

Just lay off me, To** Pot, Agnita

Hey! Sh*thead,

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s 9 pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They’ve never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. They cows are getting upset, and they’re stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbours have started a petition to evict me.

You’ll get yours, Agnita

You Rotten Pr*ck, 

Now there’s 10 ladies dancing. I don’t know why I call those sluts ladies. They’ve been bonk*ng those pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got the diarrhoea. My living room is a river of sh*t. The Commissioner of Buildings has served me notice to give cause why this building shouldn’t be condemned. I’m sticking the police on you.

.. and I really mean it, Agnita

Listen! D*ckhead,

What’s with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies. Some of those sl*ts will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have now been out on the town! All 23 of the birds are dead. They’ve been trampled to death in some sort of orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy,  Agnita

Dear Sir, 

habeas_corpusThis is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnita McPumperknikal. The destruction, of course, was total. All future correspondence should be directed to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McPumperknikal at the Happy Dale Home for the Bewildered , the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached warrant for you arrest. 


The Contract Lawyer

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from all at Collabor8online


(We hope, without any Contractual Disputes!)

Merry Christmas

Click to Enlarge & Print


















Try Now Video Overview